Essaying a comparison between a UK and a US low-cost airline is hedged about with as many restrictions as those so-called “promotional” fares which are somehow never available when you come to book. You know those “from” fares which leap out of the ad – in reality, “FROM” might as well stand for “For Republicans on Monday” only

You – and I – are well aware that any comparison is inevitably based on limited personal experience and that personal impressions are about as reliable as glowing hotel report on tripadvisor.com. However, despite the fact that academic comparisons (punctuality, fare per mile, fleet age etc etc) make for reading which is as riveting as “The Welder’s Weekly”, nonetheless there are some worthwhile observations.

Background: I travel regularly round Britain and Ireland on Easyjet, the second oldest low-cost airline in Europe. The ever self-publicising Michael O’Leary, CEO of Ryanair likes to trumpet that they are “the first and the best”. Nothing doing, Mick. You know – and we know – that you learnt your craft from the grandpappy of them all, South West of Texas, who are still making splendid profits. And for all your PR stunts and rudeness to your customers, you would not have got off the ground if Margaret Thatcher (remember her? – the obstinate Englishwoman) had not insisted on the liberalisation of EU air traffic.

Easyjet – founded by the son of a Greek tanker fleet owner – have a bright orange website, fly bright orange planes and yes, their cabin staff wear bright orange shirts. All very striking and memorable, until venerable crusties like myself recall the late lamented Braniff. (Funny how Texas seems to breed ‘em.) They operate out of virtually every UK airport except Heathrow and they follow the well-established modus operandi: online reservations and check-in; quick turn-arounds with delays built into the schedule; maximum equipment usage; subsidies from provincial airports desperate for traffic and no in-flight service beyond any possible opportunity for sales.

Easyjet provide a reasonable service: they fly vast numbers of the population around both UK and Europe and, along with Ryanair, have opened up the door for mass air travel, for which we are rightly grateful. However, a class act they are not (nor do they intend to be) as I saw recently when I flew Jet Blue from Austin to JFK. This is one man’s experience.

Booking    You would think that most low-cost airlines have similar websites. And you’d be wrong. Ryanair’s site looks like as if it was designed by Gandulf on speed – and then some. Offers, promotions, today’s jackpot numbers rolling along (they sell in flight lottery tickets) and in very small print, the stuff you actually need. Like where, when and how much. It’s like Vegas in your face. Easyjet is a tad better – in dining terms, at least they offer you the menu before dumping today’s specials over your lap. Jet Blue, on the other hand, is less crowded. True, they have today’s specials – and why not? But the first impression is that they are more interested in selling their core product. Which is why you clicked in the first place, right?

The reservation process is much the same – you choose, you pay, you cannot change your reservation and you put your cash in their bank account so far in advance of travel that they are making more money on deposit than on operations. But at least with Jet Blue you get an allocated seat, unlike the “last one standing has to leave” madcap dash that is Easyjet. Let me explain.

Check in    For those of you innocents abroad who are not au fait with the niceties of British and Irish procedures, it works like this: you turn up at the airport two hours in advance. Yes, I know: horrified gasps from my American readers. (You mean all four of them? –Ed.) You are met by a line (or lines) of weary would-be passengers displaying the stoic patience that makes life in these islands bearable. Beatification for frequent travellers is a distinct possibility. But don’t even think of presenting yourself at two hours and one minute before scheduled departure – you will be sent to the back of the queue to wait your turn. Naughty, naughty boy – hold out hand for a slap from teacher. “Teacher” is, as we can all testify, a bored, disinterested, overworked, underpaid, mindless and megalomaniac 19 year old who has had extensive training in chatting to his or her colleagues while ignoring frantic paying passengers. And that’s on a good day. More likely they will not even work for Easyjet, despite the flaming orange gear. They will be employees of one of its many sub-contractors and can therefore “take no responsibility for any failure of service on part of blah, blah, blah.”

At the head of these lines will be one, perhaps two Easyjet check-in staff, desultorily attempting to serve several hundred disgruntled punters who are flying – or waiting to fly – to several destinations. My local airport is Belfast International and Easyjet serve Liverpool, Luton, Stansted, Gatwick, Bristol, Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh and Inverness – and these are the ones I can remember. When the queue threatens mutiny and/or missed boarding, they will reluctantly open an “Urgent” desk to ease the pressure. A bit like medieval surgery.

Contrast this to Jet Blue. Now granted that I was flying out of a modern airport which has had massive investment – in contrast to the short-term “screw the punters for choosing the cheapo flight” attitude of most GB airports. But the differences are striking. You turn up with your boarding pass and a civilised and attentive young person greets you and talks you through the bag drop. The staff clearly know what they are doing and do it quickly and efficiently. The same applies to the passengers, most of whom have checked in online and who get their tags pronto. You head off to security and are airside within minutes. Job done.

Boarding    Ah, this is where the party starts. With Easyjet, you are allocated a group of 30, depending on how early you checked in. Groups are A, B, C or D. But when it comes to boarding, they do the “pre-boards” first. You know the score: “Passengers with young children, trolls and camels first.” So help me, what is the definition of a “young child”? 8, 10, 12, 14, 16? 20? The blessed Mrs Courtney and I have stood patiently by (as we were taught to do) and watched in total disbelief as pimply, earplugged adolescents swagger past us oldies and on to the plane. But the humiliation does not end there. No, siree. You take an assigned seat for granted. Indeed, the American consumer would demand either compensation or a constitutional amendment if denied same. We either pay extra for this “privilege” or we take our chances on boarding, where it is clear that Darwin was right all along.

And, ladies and gentlemen, if I were to run the wrath of the British scientific establishment (“what do you mean – there is nothing but evolution!) or the American fundamentalist right (“you must teach ‘intelligent design’!) then I could portray this whole debate in creationist terms. You know what I mean.

My Jet Blue experience was excellent – the same member of staff who checked us in controlled the boarding. Calm and civilised – but here is the key difference. The Jet Blue staff worked at all times to keep the passengers informed as to timing, procedures and the reasons for these procedures. Boarding in Britain is an ignorant (in all senses) free for all.

Luggage    You might want to know that Jet Blue have no problem handling two large bags per passenger. I know – I watched. Ryanair are now allegedly charging for each piece of luggage going into the hold, presumably on the grounds that they have to pay someone to actually load and unload your gross self-indulgence in wanting clean clothes en route. Tsk – how thoughtless of me.

In Flight    Well, folks, to paraphrase that famous title: “The US is from earth; the EU is from somewhere in the asteroid belt.” Chalk and cheese wouldn’t begin to describe it. Again, the emphasis is on keeping the customer informed. The seatback does have multi-channel TV and radio but its main usefulness is to relay the essential information to the customer. It’s all there – and by the way, Embraer make very comfortable aircraft. But that’s a side issue. The main point is that European low-costs seem to think that endless announcements are the only way to “instruct” the passengers – especially when you are trying to sell them overpriced “snacks”. Jet Blue – and other US carriers, for all I know – take a radically different tack. They keep the announcements to a minimum, thereby letting the cabin staff get on with the essential tasks.

Let me just give you my verbatim notes:

Fares     You might be interested to know that I paid £62 ($138) one way from Austin to New York; my regular return from Belfast to London ranges from £50 to £100 ($95 to $190). Just for your interest. Low costs being low costs, comparisons are virtually pointless.

Summary

Before Easyjet take legal action, let me make this clear. I know perfectly well that a comparison between a Sunday morning flight in a huge country and the Friday evening, weekend scrum on the most crowded First World island on the planet is unbalanced. Equally, I am happy to concede that there are certain things over which European low-costs have no control. Like the behaviour of their passengers, for instance, many of whom have been foolishly led to believe that “consumer choice” and “consumer rights” mean that they can behave like animals – and that’s before the drink has kicked in. Likewise, the airlines have only limited control over the airports they use; the slots and the Air Traffic Control.

On the other side of the coin, US passengers know and understand that the law, in the shape of the Federal Aviation Administration, expects and requires standards of behaviour which take account of other people and their needs and rights. Furthermore, they have access to airports and infrastructure which most Europeans can only dream about. All accepted – and I am sure that there are many, many other operational and commercial factors of which I and all other passengers could never be aware.

However, from the passenger’s point of view, there appears to be a much greater effort put into planning on the US side. The industry attitude of Jet Blue, for one, seems to presuppose that passengers are reasonable, thinking people who know a bit about travel. The British and Irish supposition appears to be that the days of the great cattle drives are still with us.

The old adage that you get monkeys if you pay peanuts appears to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, at least with Ryanair and Easyjet. Operators such as Jet Blue and South West, on the other hand, appear to have set out to not settle for second best but to educate – in the fullest sense of the word – both their staff and their clients.

And hooray for that. The title of this piece is a homage to Mark Twain, who once observed:

“Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.” Shareholders – and passengers – please note.